Today my house is quiet, my husband left with his brother in-law and his nephew to go ice fishing this morning. I got to lay in bed and watch shows that I recorded since Hockey is back in action (Go B's!) I also was able to take a long hot shower and even clean the dishwasher with a few tips I learned on Pinterest.
Today I have been able to think about what makes me different and unique. I sit here in front of our computer writing about our struggle of infertility and things that try to make us feel better about our situation; the most ridiculous part is none of it make me feel any better. I feel lousy, down and emotionally drained. I don't disagree sometimes people have shitty days, weeks, months or even years; however for myself and my husband we just can't seem to get out of this constant downward spiral of the emotional roller coaster called infertility. It sits there taunting us and waiting for us to boil over when we both hare emotionally tired. For those that haven't experienced this saying "you need not to worry, stress isn't good" or my favorite "it will happen when it happens" can shove it where the sun don't shine. I am aloud to be stressed out, I am aloud to fall apart and I am aloud to feel crappy about the situation we are in (let me wallow)!
Its been 2 years an 5 months since we started to try and have a baby. We at first we the proverbial couple this shouldn't be a problem, then it turned into well maybe we are just not trying at the right time (cue in charting, ovulation tests), then it was like Doctor whats wrong with me, after that it was I can't help you you need to see and RE, RE states surgery or IVF, we choose surgery now six months later still charting, using ovulation test and still nothing... GRRRR!!!!!!! I'm tired and I don't want to deal with it, I want a child of my own and I want it NOW! I know if you can't tell I am frustrated with this whole thing.
The ONE positive thing is that we are making an appointment to go back to see RE Misty and discuss what its been like since surgery and to see what other options and next steps we have. I am dealing with this part better then my husband who still thinks we are going to be a normal couple and have one naturally; where as I think if that was the case it could have and probably would have by now. I love him so much his persistence and some what optimistic view keeps me charging forward when I am feeling down and out for the count.
Today is dedicated to the Optimism my husband brings even if we are both emotionally drained.
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